Going Within

Pagoda at Dhamma Giri (The small arches are the underground meditation cells)

The ten days of silent retreat spoke volumes to me as usual. =) The fidgety mind, the hurting body from sitting on a cushion for twelve hours a day, and the un-stoppable thoughts, all add up to taking a really good look at my “self.” This is as up-close and personal as it gets. Even the intensity and type of thoughts radically changes between the first day and the tenth. The “kind” of thoughts generally seems to be a good measure of my progress.

One thing that became apparent in this retreat is that I have to transform from the inside out. If the deepest core of me does not vibrate with the sound of love, anything that I do at the outer level will be faded by what’s going on inside. And thus, the most essential thing that I can present the world is to continue to work on purifying at the depth of my being. The change has to come from within and radiate outwards, instead of the other way around.

To find “Truth” with a capital T, one has to let go of the “Self.” And how is that possible when a lifetime (perhaps many) of conditioning has made us who we are. The question I ask myself is this: Am I ready to let go of my personalized illusions for a greater gain? Or will I wait until the next pitfall in life to ask, what happened?

And when I do get a glance of the “Truth,” will I have enough courage to look it straight in the eye or will I let it pass me by, hoping I’ll catch the next train.